The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
