The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
