Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
