I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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