Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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