So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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