Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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