The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
