Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
