life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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