So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
