I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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