I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
