Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
