i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
