I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
