I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
