hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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