i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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