i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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