Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
