i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
