apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
