He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
