I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
