The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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