Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
