I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
