haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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