I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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