It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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