wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
