I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
