you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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