You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize