I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
