Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
