Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just found a bag of teeth...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
