I could make wine with my vomit
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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