So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
