I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
