Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
