does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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