nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
