i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
