there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.