Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.