His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
