So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
