I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
