She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
