the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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