i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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