I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
