he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
