Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
