I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
