I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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